our classic Star Trek episode reviews

FIRST SEASON

(6/23/97) The Cage - this was the original pilot, and since much of it was chopped and spliced into what became "The Menagerie" it's not a high-quality print. The story revolves around a different crew's adventure on Talos IV, whose natives have almost infinite illusionary powers. Notable features: Spock-cam, Spock grinning like an idiot, b&w segments, aliens whose heads look like butts, and Captain Pike's apparent, complete lack of interest in females (Kirk would've taken that green chick!) rating: fair

(6/24/97) The Man Trap - the Enterprise goes to check on a scientist and his wife, on a remote planet. Something else is there, though, and it likes to kill people and leave red sucker-marks all over their faces. Eyugh. they didn't have red-shirts at this point in the game, either. Sulu appears, he seems to be the ship's botanist. Spock gets to fight too, but hasn't learned the Vulcan neck-pinch. Crew fatalities: 3 rating: fair

(6/24/97) Charlie X - Charlie, an immature and inexperienced teen with godlike powers, is let loose upon the Enterprise. Spock only grins once in this episode, while Kirk displays much of the basis for his later womanizing attitude. Uhura sings. Sulu tends his garden. Still no redshirts though. rating: fair

(6/25/97) Where No Man Has Gone Before - the Enterprise attempts to break through the barrier at the edge of the galaxy, but all that happens is those crew members with ESP potential gain tremendous mental powers. First appearance of Scotty, Sulu's still hanging around, no Uhura, no McCoy. Still no redshirts. This one falls into the same plot category as "Charlie X" except it has the cool edge-of-the-galaxy effects. Crew fatalities: 2 rating: fair

(6/26/97) The Naked Time - While orbiting a planet that's breaking up, the ship is infected by a virus that one of the crew brings back on board. This is the one where Sulu runs around with the fencing foil and the Irishman takes over the engine room. The nurse hits on Spock, so Kirk has to bitch-slap him. All of the basic crew members are present and accounted for except Chekov. This is also the first episode where they have to pull a solution out of their ass before the ship is destroyed. Crew fatalities: 1 rating: good

(6/29/97) The Enemy Within - Transporter malfunction leads to a Kirk-duplicate with all of his aggressive traits, while the "real" good-guy Kirk is a complete wimp. They've got to figure out how to reverse this and fix the transporter before the landing party freezes (120 below?! Shee-yeah!) The evil Kirk had some good faces and screams, plus he makes his move on the yeoman. A poodle also gets to wear a horn and be an alien dog. Still no Chekov, and Uhura is absent too. The redshirts have yet to appear... rating: fair

(6/30/97) Mudd's Women - The Enterprise picks up a tiny ship and its passengers - almost dooming themselves in the process - and trouble follows as the ship's lithium (!) crystals degenerate. Harry Mudd: was he supposed to be British? Irish? Scottish? How about Foolish? Mudd and his three female passengers get away with all kinds of foolishness. This wasn't a good episode; nobody on the Enterprise had any balls. Other features: McCoy going goo-goo over one of the women, Farrell instead of Chekov, the ship's computer being able to detect lies, a completely incoherent ending. We sat there and thought of half a dozen ways Kirk could have gotten his ship out of the predicament. Quote from Spock at end, which applies well: "I'm happy the affair is over. A most annoying, emotional episode." rating: fair

(7/1/97) What Are Little Girls Made Of? - The ship stops by to check on Dr. Corby, but instead finds a sinister plot afoot. Well, it's not so much a plot as an idea, but the premise is creepy. Ted Cassidy (Lurch from The Addams Family) guest-stars. Kirk tries to fight with a stalactite-piece that looks like a giant stone dildo, and shortly thereafter he puts the moves on the robot girl. Crew fatalities: 2 (first appearance of redshirts!) rating: fair

(7/1/97) Miri - A distress signal from a very Earth-like planet draws the ship and crew...but they find that it's inhabited only by kids. These kids age very, very slowly, and when they hit puberty, they grow blue fungus and go insane. Nearly incomprehensible plot combined with lack of hard-core action put me to sleep for about 20 minutes. This one sucked. I mean, what was the relevance of the planet being just like Earth, down to the continents? Come on! Kirk did try to put the moves on a teenaged girl though. We've also begun to wonder about just how short regulation Starfleet womens' skirts are. rating: bad

(7/2/97) Dagger of the Mind - During a routine supply drop to an insane asylum planet, Kirk and co. find that something is very wrong down there. Once again, Kirk gets to make terrible faces and scream. And once again, he makes his move, this time on a medical technician named Noel. She was easily the cutest of all crew members thus far, and had the short-skirt thing going on too. rating: fair

(7/5/97) The Corbomite Maneuver - The ship flies into unknown territory and gets threatened by a weird ship and its weird pilot. Kirk does some good hard-nosed bluffing and generally takes no shit. Sulu falls asleep in a staff meeting too (as in, he's zonked out with his head on the table before the meeting even starts.) This one had a fairly cheesy ending, not really worthy of the buildup. rating: good

(7/6/97) The Conscience of the King - The head actor of a traveling troupe might be the same guy who killed thousands of people 20 years ago. Or he might not be. What a riddle. Lots of overacting, acting, and such foolishness; entertaining but contrived. rating: fair

(7/6/97) Balance of Terror - The Enterprise chases Romulans after the latter destroy some outposts. Good tense episode with insights as to how both ships and crews operate in stress situations. Crew fatalities: 1 rating: good

(7/6/97) Shore Leave - They encounter a planet that can make every fantasy come true. Interesting premise, though it took them a bit long to figure it out. No matter - it could be said that this is the episode where everybody gets some. rating: good

(7/6/97) The Galileo Seven - A shuttlecraft with 7 people is lost, and the Enterprise only has a few hours to search for them. The planet that the shuttle crashed on is inhabited by huge, hairy beasts that want to kill the intruders. Good one, and it shows Spock trying to solve everything with logic. Crew fatalities: 3 rating: good

(7/6/97) The Menagerie - This is actually "The Cage" framed by a Kirk-era story. Spock takes Admiral Pike and the Enterprise and forces them to go to Talos IV, a planet which Starfleet has declared off-limits. On the way, everyone watches Pike's original adventure there, and when they all get there, the motives of Spock are revealed. rating: fair

(7/7/97) The Squire of Gothos - The ship ventures too close to a strange red planet, so some of its crew are captured by a vastly powerful being, "retired general Trelane." He toys with them for a while before we learn that he's really just an alien kid with a vast sandbox and toys, whose parents have finally had enough of his spoiled behavior. The high point of this one was at the end, when Spock did a funny eyebrow-raise. rating: bad

(7/8/97) Arena - While checking on the Cestus III colony, the Enterprise comes under attack from an unknown alien race. A chase leads both ships into the system of the Metrons, who despise their barbaric ways. Solution: the captains are put down on a planet to fight it out, with the survival of their ships at stake. Problem: the other captain's a big, strong, savage reptilian dude. An altogether superior episode. rating: good

(7/8/97) Tomorrow is Yesterday - After hitting a black hole, the Enterprise is knocked back through space and time to Earth in the year 1968. They have to get back while avoiding contact with the populace of Earth, and before anything happens that could change history. rating:good

(7/13/97) Court-Martial - It would appear that Kirk was responsible for the death of a crewman during an emergency. Well. It takes the crew, lawyers, and jury about 45 minutes to figure out that computers can be reprogrammed with false information. Good idea, fair execution. Also a good TNS (Take No Shit) episode for Kirk. Crew Fatalities: 1 rating: fair

(7/14/97) Return of the Archons - A weird planet is populated by weird people, dressed in weird clothes. They try to absorb the landing party into the greater community whole. This was the first of the "Kirk-outreasons-the-evil-computer-and-makes-it-destroy-itself" episodes. We had to admit, this one was a lot better than its previews made it look. Kirk played hardass again, and there was a party that made Mardi Gras look like Romper Room. In one scene, a rock bounces off of a crewman's head! rating: fair

(7/17/97) Space Seed - The Enterprise stumbles upon an old ship full of 20th century Earth people. Problem is, they're hostile genetically-bred superpeople, and they take over the ship. Both Khan and Kirk take no shit in this one, but Khan's got the stronger attitude. This was one of the best episodes thus far. rating: good

(9/6/97) A Taste of Armageddon - On a mission to get a new planet into the Federation, Kirk and co. find themselves caught up in a war organized and fought entirely by computers. "Casualties" just march off to disintegration chambers to die. This episode has, among other things, a stupid ambassador, a planetful of stupid people, and some good Spock lines ("Sir. There is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.") Also, Scotty gets to be in charge of the ship for a while, and he takes no shit. rating: fair

(9/7/97) This Side of Paradise - The Enterprise goes to a planet to pick up some colonists before they are exposed to too much radiation. However, thanks to some spores, they're not only okay, they're unnaturally happy. For some reason which is never explained, only Kirk is immune to these spores, and he has to figure out how to restore the rest of his crew to their right minds. This is the episode where Spock gets to smile, kiss, and even more; he has some pretty good lines too. McCoy adopts an atrocious Southern drawl. rating: fair

(9/8/97) The Devil in the Dark - On a remote mining planet, something is killing the workers. It's up to Kirk, Spock, and a squad of redshirts to find and stop the monster. This was a pretty entertaining episode, though you could tell there were people under the monster's shell. We also spotted various sizes of weight-rack plates in the caverns. And then there's the whole bowling ball thing. Non-crew Fatalities: 2 Crew Fatalities: 1 rating: fair

(9/9/97) Errand of Mercy - The M-class planet Organia is in a prime strategic location between the Federation and the Klingons, and both sides want it. Kirk and Spock try to convince the mild-mannered natives to side with the Federation, but they just don't seem to care one way or the other. Then the Klingons show up, in great numbers and with weapons. This was the first appearance of Klingons, and it was pretty cool. There could have been more fighting, but that's the way it goes. rating: fair

(10/21/97) The Alternative Factor - The Enterprise encounters a most dangerous phenomenon - a momentary blinking out of reality. It turns out that the effect was universe-wide, and originated from the planet the ship is approaching. There, they find a disheveled madman who rants about an evil enemy who's going to destroy everything. Well. I don't want to spoil it for you, but suffice it to say this episode had a contrived plot and solution, and wasn't solidly executed. rating: bad

(10/21/97) The City on the Edge of Forever - A drug-crazed McCoy bolts into a time portal, and shortly thereafter, the reality that Kirk et al know is gone. Seems that McCoy did something in Earth's past that changed the course of history and prevented the Federation from ever being formed. Kirk and Spock have to go back in time to the 1930s and prevent McCoy's meddling. This one was fairly entertaining, but we didn't think it worthy of great accolades. There were some amusing bits as Kirk and Spock had to cope with Depression-era things. rating: fair

(9/15/97) Operation: Annihilate - The Enterprise goes to Deneva, the latest in a string of planets plagued by terminal insanity in recent years. They find the cause: weird flying spores that take over victims' nervous systems. Oh yeah. Scrambled egg jokes are a certainty here. This one had a cute yeoman, and Spock got to make some faces while he was fighting the influence of the spores. This ranks as one of the best of the "fair" episodes. rating: fair

SECOND SEASON

(9/16/97) Amok Time - Spock is not well. We know this because he's hurling soup against the wall and smashing steel monitors with his fist. Turns out he's being drawn back to Vulcan, not unlike salmon being drawn back to their birthplace, in order to mate! Yee-ha! This is the first appearance of Chekov and also the first named appearance of nurse Chapel. Other things of interest: all Vulcans appear to be assholes, and Spock's "mate" T'Pring is a babe. We saw Kirk looking at her. The only problem with this episode: Spock's gone berserk with this need to mate...and it gets totally defused by...a violent fight. Hel-lo?!? rating: good

(9/16/97) Who Mourns for Adonais? - While flying along, the Enterprise is stopped cold by a gigantic hand! It belongs to Apollo, a being of immense power who claims to be the last of the Greek gods. We thought he looked like a dork. Anyhow, he goes after the female in the landing party, which makes Scotty mad because he wanted some of that too. Too bad - Apollo porks her offscreen anyway. Other notables: Chekov's 1960s Beatles haircut, Chekov looking up Apollo's skirt (this made Apollo teleport away.) rating: fair

(9/16/97) The Changeling - The ship comes under attack by a very powerful spacecraft...which turns out to be smaller than a man. In fact, it's much like any other espresso machine that can travel at multiwarp speeds and fire energy blasts equivalent to 80 photon torpedoes. They manage to bring the thing aboard; it calls itself Nomad and it takes no shit, telling it like it is. Only Spock gets it, though. Aside from several redshirts getting killed because they weren't smart, Uhura gets mind-wiped (click here for amusing dialogue) and Scotty gets killed and brought back to life. Nomad can also fix engines and ignore force fields. In the end, Kirk tricks it into going nuts, and it starts talking like a baby on helium. Crew fatalities: 4 rating: good

(9/17/97) Mirror, Mirror - A freak transporter accident catapults Kirk, McCoy, Scotty, and Uhura into an alternate universe...one where the Federation is a ruthless empire and officers advance by assassinating one another. Kirk blows numerous opportunities, namely one to pork his counterpart's mistress. Spock has a beard; Uhura has nice abs; McCoy has no balls. At the very end, when all is well, Kirk returns to character, making his move on the young woman who was his own universe's counterpart to the evil Kirk's mistress. Alternate-universe crew fatalities: 4 rating: good

(9/17/97) The Apple - On a little planet in the middle of nowhere, the crew finds an Eden-type place where all the primitives' needs are attended to by a machine. This is the one with David Soul as one of the innocent (and naive) tribespeople; it's also the one with the big stone dragon-head temple. Furthermore, it's the one with the plants that fire poisonous barbs and the rocks that explode at the slightest contact. Better yet, the primitive humans aren't allowed to have sex. Eden, my ass. Crew fatalities: 4 rating: fair

(9/17/97) The Doomsday Machine - Star systems are being destroyed, their planets gone but for debris. No, it's not the Death Star - it's a mile-long metallic cone, a cone that fires beams of energy and eats planets! Another starship, the Constellation, has been wrecked by the so-called "doomsday weapon" and its captain gets in the way for a while. This is a good space-battle type episode with one of the neatest enemies ever. rating: good

(9/18/97) Catspaw - several crew members beam down to a planet and are soon caught up in a would-be warlock's spooky little games. This was sort of like a Halloween episode, but there were few notable moments. One of them: Kirk squares off against Sulu, and Sulu's karate was completely ineffective. Crew fatalities: 1 rating: fair

(9/25/97) I, Mudd - the ship is hijacked and taken to a remote planet, where Harry Mudd controls an empire of human-like androids. He plans to leave on the Enterprise while the crew remains behind on the planet. Notables: Chekov finally got a decent haircut, and he also apparently got two android women at the same time in this episode. Spock had some good lines, and Kirk once again causes the main enemy computer to self-destruct just by talking to it. This one had some pretty foolish moments toward the end. rating: bad

(9/30/97) Metamorphosis - Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and a bitchy ambassador are flying along in a shuttlecraft when a weird cloud of energy forces them down to a planet. There they find Zefram Cochrane, inventor of the warp drive, who's been there for 150 years, kept young by the energy-cloud, which has an odd relationship with him. This one was a real yawner, more reminiscent of a soap opera than a sci-fi show. rating: bad

(10/5/97) Journey to Babel - En route to a conference, the Enterprise is carrying various alien ambassadors. Someone wants to kill some of them and disrupt things, however. Those bad guys! This one had good parts and stupid parts. At one point we shift scenes and there's Kirk, fighting an Andorian! Why? Who started it? Maybe it was because Kirk caught the Andorian looking at Nurse Chapel's butt-cheeks, which were definitely hanging out this episode. During this fight, Kirk leaps into the air, apparently trying out a new (if ineffective) wrestling move. Also we were surprised that Kirk gave this order: "Bring the prisoner to the bridge." I mean, the guy could've jumped out and hit the shields-off button or something, while the Enterprise was fighting the enemy ship! Geez. rating: fair

(10/6/97) The Deadly Years - A landing party beams down to Gamma Hydra IV, and finds that the people there all died of old age, even though they were young when they got there. Guess what? Yep, the landing party begins aging at an accelerated rate, and Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Scotty must figure out how to reverse this process before they croak. This one was amusing because of the senility displayed - though that didn't stop Kirk from trying to get some before he got too old. There was also the commodore/ambassador factor, i.e. anytime such a person is aboard, he or she is guaranteed to take over the ship and make stupid decisions. Commodore in uncertain waters = certain disaster. Other features: a foolish competency hearing, Yeoman Chesty, a repeat of the Corbomite maneuver. We also have reason to believe Kirk scored at the end of the episode. Crew fatalities: 1 rating: fair

(10/6/97) Obsession - This episode's first scene: a close-up shot of a pile of crap. I shit you not. Anyway, 11 years ago, a young Kirk watched as half of his ship's crew was killed by an energy-cloud. Now, his ship encounters the thing again, and another young crewman, Garrovick (the son of the captain who died 11 years ago) is in a similar position to Kirk's way back then. This was a decent episode about obsession, guilt, and absolution, but it had a few dumb moments (the vent foolishness and the deductions on how to destroy the cloud.) However, it also had a record redshirt death count (2+1+1.5+1.5, the .5's are because we're not sure if those guys died.) Foolish command by Kirk: "...and try flushing the radioactive waste into the ventilation system." HUH?!? Crew fatalities: 5 rating: fair

(10/7/97) Wolf in the Fold - On a leisure planet, Kirk is trying to show his senior officers a good time, until Scotty screws it up by (apparently) knifing a woman to death! This was about the closest the show ever got to a horror-murder-mystery, but by its very nature, the plot was somewhat contrived. Anyhow, the best part of this episode was the wenching that Kirk, McCoy, and Scotty were doing - they all had that gleam in their eye. Crew fatalities: 1 rating: fair

(10/7/97) The Trouble With Tribbles - The Enterprise heads to deep space station K-7, and finds that there's a shipment of super-grain that needs guarding (Kirk: "Wheat? So what?") Complicating things are Klingons, an idiotic administrator, and Tribbles - tiny, harmless furballs that live only to reproduce. This one was the funniest yet; Kirk repeatedly makes fools out of various people, and Spock helps him! There's also a brawl, Spock petting a Tribble, Kirk being pelted with Tribbles from above...it's a good comedy episode. Spock on Tribbles: "They remind me of the lilies of the field. They toil not - nor do they spin. I see no practical use for them." rating: good

(10/13/97) The Gamesters of Triskelion - During a routine beam-down, Kirk, Chekov, and Uhura are captured by a race of "thralls." They're made to fight and otherwise serve the thralls' masters, who are little brain-like things that evolved over thousands of years. This one had plenty of action, plus Kirk made his moves on the green-haired woman (and then punched her!) The wager at the end didn't make sense (the Gamesters could've had the crew anyway) but that's life. rating: fair

(10/13/97) A Piece of the Action - Tracking a 100-year-old distress call from the Horizon, the Enterprise finds a planet whose entire culture is based on Earth's 1930s Chicago mobs. This one had some good lines and faces, especially by Spock aka Spocko. It was essentially a comedy episode, which gave the actors a chance to do something different. rating: fair

(10/15/97) The Immunity Syndrome - A star system and a ship have disappeared...died. The Enterprise goes to find out why, and discovers what amounts to a gigantic amoeba. They must find a way to stop it before their power and lives are drained by the thing. This one was kinda neat, but we thought its main feature was an abundance of female crew member butt-cheeks. rating: fair

(10/16/97) A Private Little War - Kirk and crew return to a planet where Kirk spent some time years ago. They find that the peaceful, primitive natives have been armed with guns by a Klingon agent. Complicating things is the power-hungry wife of the friendly clan leader. This one was okay, though it did leave one major plot hole gaping. This was perhaps forgivable since the episode had a lot of action and fighting. It also had the big, white-furred monster, as well as the best-looking woman yet: the chieftan's wife. rating: fair

(10/22/97) Return to Tomorrow - In the middle of nowhere, the ship finds a dead planet - dead save for three energy-beings who want to borrow human bodies so they can live again. Holy possessed Kirk, Batman! This one didn't have much to offer at all - it dragged on, its plot didn't make sense, and Kirk never would have agreed to let the things borrow bodies. About the only redeeming factor was the possessed Spock's grins and lines...but that wasn't enough. This episode set a new record: within 14 minutes, we knew what rating it was going to get. rating: bad

(10/24/97) Patterns of Force -The ship goes to a planet to retrieve cultural advisor John Gill, and finds that he did a little too much advising - the planet has patterned its entire society after Nazi-ism! This one was entertaining, and had some good Kirk-Spock rapport and teamwork. rating: fair

(10/26/97) By Any Other Name - After being tricked by a distress call from a remote planet, the ship is taken over by powerful aliens who just want to go home. Problem is, home is a 300-year voyage to the neighboring galaxy, and the aliens don't need the crew around. Holy evil E.T.! A skeleton crew - Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Scotty - must find a way to seize power before all is lost. This was the episode where people got turned into little hexagonal balls of powder. It also featured the ship breaking the intergalactic barrier (translation: cool special effects.) The episode was moving along nicely until the turning point, where the aliens just gave up because Kirk convinced them that what they were doing was wrong. Yeah, right. crew fatalities: 1 rating: fair

(10/27/97) The Omega Glory - The Enterprise tracks down the Exeter (another Constitution-class starship) and finds that its crew turned to powder. Worse, the same thing will happen to those who beamed over, unless they go down to the planet and stay there. However, the Exeter's captain has influenced the native population and set up his own little rules. This one had some good fighting and Spock-Kirk teamwork, but we still found it dumb and senseless, especially at the end. crew fatalities: 1 rating: bad

(10/28/97) The Ultimate Computer - The Enterprise becomes the testbed for the new M5 computer, which is supposed to be superior to a human crew. Unfortunately, the thing goes a little nuts, and begins taking the wargames a little too seriously. This one was pretty good, featuring some hearty dialogue and more than a little space-battle action. Heck, we got to see 4 other Constitution-class starships. crew fatalities: 1 rating: good

(10/29/97) Bread and Circuses - The ship and crew find a world where the Roman Empire survived through the 20th century. Gladiatorial games are commonplace, and they have to survive long enough to figure out how to get rescued. This one was both good (lots of fighting and witty dialogue) and bad (unpunished villains.) Of particular glaring implausibility was the Prime directive - if not for this rule, the crew would've been able to defend themselves properly. It's really getting annoying. rating: fair

(10/5/97) Friday's Child - The ship goes to Capella, where the natives are aggressive and lethal, to secure mining rights for a rare mineral. Unfortunately, there's a Klingon trying to do the same thing. Well. This was a good Kirk/Spock/McCoy interaction episode, and not much more. But it was a good one, and they all had some funny lines and facial expressions. Also Spock proved effective with the bow and arrow, and McCoy got to slap some lady. Crew fatalities: 1 rating: fair

(11/3/97) Assignment: Earth - The Enterprise travels back in time (!) to observe events in 1969...and must decide whether to try to stop a strange fellow who claims he's there to keep Earth from destroying itself with nuclear weapons. Needless to say, this plot seemed a bit silly and contrived - I mean, in the first line of the episode, they casually inform us that the ship's gone back in time to observe history. Yeah, right. As if. If only. Other notables: Spock gropes the ditz secretary, the cool cat turns into a cute woman for no reason. In general, a pointless episode. rating: fair

THIRD SEASON

(10/13/97) Whom Gods Destroy - Kirk and Spock beam down to a prison planet, one which houses the 15 remaining uncurable insanity cases in the Federation. Problem is, one of the inmates, Garth, has taken over. Fortunately, he can't get beamed aboard because he doesn't know Kirk's secret password. This was a pretty entertaining one, wherein Spock proved why he's the king of (apparently) unintentional cut-downs. Kirk had some good screaming and face-making moments. This was the episode with the green woman. rating: fair

(11/4/97) Spock's Brain - A strange woman teleports aboard, knocks everyone out, and takes Spock's brain! Yes, you read that right. This was an (unintentionally, I suspect) amazingly humorous episode; let's face it, you can't talk about getting a brain back and be taken seriously. Other points of interest: Spock gropes one of the women, Scotty sports a new (and bad) haircut, McCoy wears the hairdressing helmet. rating: fair

(2/27/99) Spectre of the Gun - After ignoring a pretty obvious warning from a pretty obviously powerful alien race, Kirk and four others find themselves in 1881 Tombstone, on the wrong side of the OK Corral fight. Chekov runs rampant in this one, and it was entertaining, but also silly. rating: fair

(2/28/99) Day of the Dove - An alien energy-being sets up a neverending fight against Klingons so that it can feed on the combatants' negative emotions. We couldn't take it too seriously because the thing was powerful enough to prevent its own eventual demise...yet didn't. Of note: Chekov got bitch-slapped, Sulu got to use karate power. rating: fair

(3/14/99) The Enterprise Incident - At first it looks like Kirk's gone nuts and initiated a war with the Romulans, but all is not what it seems. Spock comes so close to getting some, it's not even funny. The Romulan commander was a babe. rating: fair

(3/17/99) This Side of Paradise - While trying to save a primitive planet from an oncoming asteroid, Kirk disappears and the others have to leave. Kirk awakens without memory, and ends up being the medicine chief of an Indian tribe. Naturally, he bags the cutest girl in the tribe. Other highlights: Spock tells McCoy how it is, Scotty gets disregarded repeatedly, stupid bitch syndrome. rating: fair

(3/23/99) The Empath - Inane. Slow. boring. Pointless. Foolish. These were just some of the words that came to mind during this episode. Plot summary: Kirk, Spock, McCoy become lab rats for powerful aliens. That's it. Features: return of the butt-headed aliens, Kirk ogling a woman he's just met, terrible overacting during torture scenes, glass tubes containing other Starfleet crew in action poses. Overheard: "With Kirk acting this way, it's amazing that Starfleet hasn't been taken over by aliens yet." Summary: "To get much worse than this, we'd have to go back to Squire of Gothos - but we're not going to do that." rating: bad

(4/4/99) Elann of Troyius - The Enterprise must ferry an unwilling soon-to-be-bride to her planet-unifying marriage, despite various problems. Kirk did a good job of dealing with the bitch, especially considering his apparent weakness in the early stages. Also notable was Kirk nailing the queen - and getting caught inthe act by Spock and McCoy! rating: fair

(5/26/99) Let That Be Your Last Battlefield - The ship picks up two guys who are determined to argue and fight no matter what. One of them has powers that enable him to take over the ship. Ho hum. The main thing we noticed here was Kirk's gritty determination to be in control of his ship. Also of note were the dorky running/chasing techniques of the two clowns. This one was good for entertainment value. rating: fair

Eureka! I've done it! From my recent viewings, I've distilled the basic Star Trek plots:
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