Paradise City
At the risk of sounding entirely morbid and bleak, which seems unavoidable considering I'm bringing up that frightening and much tabooed subject: death.
I'm not some Goth-rocker outsider, framed in sorrow and confusion. I'm your average guy, your regular Joe, just thinking about everyday existentialism.
Religiously, I am not tied to a God; I am not especially spiritual, or if I am I haven't been enlightened to it yet. So, for me, this is it. I can only think of the next step in a hopeful way, that there might be some kind of paradise waiting at the end of it all. Where I get to watch all my favorite films back-to-back and listen to my top ten albums and eat some darn fine cuisine. Or maybe I don't wish for anything like that at all. Maybe I wish for absolute peace and quiet.
You know, honestly, the only thing that saddens me about dying is leaving people behind and worrying about them. Okay, I have no children, but one day I hope to and I hope to have a house and a car and a life that can wrap them up. This sounds stupid for a guy doesn't it. Alright, I'll go back to talking about what I think heaven might be like. Once I've invested in life insurance for me and my family. No, but seriously, a man wonders...
What do I have in my worldly possessions I need to protect for others? Cos that's what it is right - a gift. I worry, I do. Today, this week and this month, my worries have been on this: what do I leave behind.
I looked at what kind of policies I could take out. I went online and browsed this Asda Finance website ( there are a few, but this was helpfully clear) and collected all this information. I haven't parted with my money yet, I just wanted to shop around and saw what kind of life insurance a guy like me could get. It was Asda Finance and checked the American Income Life website to grasp where my income and fortune's going to go (when I make it of course).
This blog has got be the most dramatic one yet. I just wanted to know, when life takes you away, what can you leave as a gift, which is a lot less morbid than you might think, if you think about it, like I do.
Posted by Jim on Monday, May 12, 2008 @ 11:44 AM
Post Office Epiphany #2
I had another post office epiphany this week. I had to mail my sister’s birthday present and went to the post office knowing full well that it was a Saturday and there would be a line. After lasts weeks revelation I wasn’t going to dread the experience, I was going to take it all in and enjoy my time in line watching and observing those in line as well as those working there. I got there earlier this week and to my surprise there was no line. I breezed right through and was out within minutes. Funny how that works, once you stop fighting and give in to something it no longer manifests itself.
I had another Jack Handy deep thought after leaving the post office; the line is a metaphor for life. We all have to stand in line; some try and cheat to get ahead, others give up and leave the line, some complain the entire time, while others try to make the best of it, some stand in quiet solitude while others befriend those around them.
I was walking down the street as I finished my deep thought looked up to see a Buddhist monk that lives in the neighborhood. There is a house in my area where a group of Buddhist monks live. Prayer flags line the porch and I often see them tending to the garden and always give them a smile and say hello as I pass. I generally get a smile and a bow in return, but have never had a conversation. Today as I looked up the monk said to me that I had a special energy that was pure and positive, he told me to make good use of it. I looked around, was I being punked? Where was Ashton Kutcher?
The week before I had visited a store that is owned by a Vietnamese gentleman. I stop by his store a few times a month and have always had polite conversation, nothing more. When I stopped by last week a woman was arguing with him over the cost of something. He walked away from her mid-argument and came over to me and said I had a very special energy and wanted me to help him. He worked with people who have heart problems in Vietnam and began to show me photos of people he had helped. He said I could help as well. He gave me the web address of a Franciscan monk in Vietnam and told me to contact him.
What was happening? Why had two Asian men talked to me about my energy within the last two weeks? Why was I being put in contact with monks? I am not special; just ask my friends and family, I’m just a regular guy. The only thing I could think of that was different was that I had started running and went to see a chiropractor. Had the re-alignment and increased exercise changed my outward energy?
I didn’t contact the monk directly, but checked out his website and sent him a donation.
Maybe I am supposed to help him get his message out through my blog. Please visit his website and donate if you are so inclined. He is a Franciscan monk who is helping the poor and needy of Vietnam and Cambodia by providing food, blankets, mosquito netting, wells, eye and heart surgeries to those in need regardless of political or religious affiliation.
http://hoibacaiphanxico.org/EN/Default.aspx
Posted by Jim on Sunday, May 11, 2008 @ 8:14 PM
Fancy Pants
I’m sure the tap water in my house
is perfectly safe to drink. The city has a whole department dedicated
to making sure that the city water is clean and safe enough for human
consumption, it just doesn’t taste very good. My grandparents
would be mortified to know that I purchase water; they still think paper
towels are an extravagance. Why buy paper towels when you can
re-use a rag? My grandparents have a name for people who buy such
extravagances such as water and paper towels, they call them fancy pants.
So there I was the fancy pants grandson in the grocery store buying
water and I was astounded by the selection. When did water start
taking up an entire grocery aisle?
I remember as a kid the water section
was dwarfed by the soda aisle. There were a few gallons of water
and bottles of Perrier for the fancy pants of that era. Now there
is a whole section dedicated to water. Spring, purified, sparkling,
artesian, mineral, fruit flavored, vitamin infused, caffeinated and
even smart. Is that the problem, have I been drinking dumb water
all these years?
I felt very dumb. What did all
of these categories mean? Here is my research:
Spring Water: is defined as
bottled water derived from an underground formation from which water
flows naturally to the surface of the earth. To qualify as spring
water, it must be collected only at the spring or through a borehole
tapping the underground formation feeding the spring. If the collection
process uses some type of an external force, the water must be from
the same stratum as the spring and must retain the quality and all of
the same physical properties of water that flows naturally from a spring
to the surface.
Purified Water: This is a type of drinking water that has been treated with processes such as distillation, deionization or reverse osmosis. Basically, this just means that the bacteria and dissolved solids have been removed from the water by some process, making it "purified." Many bottled water brands are actually purified drinking water.
Mineral Water: Mineral water contains not less than 250 parts per million total dissolved solids and is defined by its constant level and relative proportions of mineral and trace elements at the point of emergence from the source. No minerals can be added to the water.
Sparkling Bottled Water: They
call this fizzy water in the UK. This type of water contains the same
amount of carbon dioxide that it had when it emerged from its source.
Artesian Water/Artesian Well Water:
Artesian water comes from a well that taps a confined aquifer-a
water-bearing underground layer of rock or sand-in which the water level
is above the top of the aquifer.
Vitamin Water: They might as well call it sugar water. Here is the label from a popular brand. Mind you they say there are 2.5 servings in each bottle, so that works out to 32.5 grams of sugar per bottle.
Nutrition Facts:
- Calories: 50
- Total fat: 0g
- Sodium: 0mg
- Potassium: 60mg
- Total carbohydrates: 13g
- Sugar: 13g
- Protein: 0g
- Vitamin C: 40%, Vitamin B3: 20%, Vitamin B6: 20%, Vitamin B12: 20%, Vitamin B5: 20%
- Potassium: 150mg per bottle
Ingredients: vapor distilled/deionized water, crystalline fructose, citric acid, vegetable juice (color), natural flavor, ascorbic acid (vitamin C), vitamin E acetate, magnesium lactate (elecrolyte), calcium lactate (electrolyte), zinc picolinate, monopotassium phosphate (electrolyte), niacin (B3), pantothenic acid (B5), pyridoxine hydrochloride (B6), cyanocobalamine (B12)
Caffeinated Water: Why not just have a cup of coffee?
Fruit Flavored Water: Aside from "natural flavor," most brands didn’t contain any actual fruit juice.
SmartWater: Is vapor distilled municipal water and an unspecified amount of the electrolytes calcium, magnesium, and potassium. Hello! This is tap water with some electrolytes and minerals thrown in.
All of these plastic water bottles made
me think about my carbon footprint in purchasing water, which lead me
to even further research. 1.5 million barrels of oil in the US
alone are used to make water bottles of which 86% are landfilled or
incinerated. The water also has to be shipped, which uses more fuel.
Maybe smartwater wasn’t so smart after all. Maybe my un-fancy
pants grandparents were right in drinking tap water and re-using rags.
Posted by Jim on Saturday, May 10, 2008 @ 9:47 AM
The Flaming Lips
I saw an advertisement for the SoCo Music
Experience today and it made me think back to one of the better shows
I’ve seen in the last few years. Southern Comfort sponsors free concerts
around the country and every year they sponsor a concert in Centennial
Park in downtown Atlanta. Two years ago The Flaming Lips and Big Star
were the headliners of the SoCo Music Experience when they played in
Atlanta.
I found out about the free concert just
hours before it started and rounded up a few friends to join me. We had
good parking karma and found a space blocks from the park. We headed
down to the event and claimed a spot center stage and about 50 feet back
from the stage. The weather was perfect and the crowd was in a good mood.
First up was Big Star which is fronted by
Alex Chilton who previously sang with The Box Tops. Remember the song
The Letter? I was glad to see that he was still performing relevant
material even though I couldn’t help think that he looked exactly like
Jeff Probst of Survivor. I kept waiting for him to say the tribe has
spoken.
The sun was setting and all of the sudden the crowd parted and Wayne Coyne of The Flaming Lips entered dressed in a suit and walking inside a 7 foot beach ball. The crowd moved him around through the audience and finally pushed him up to the stage.
The rest of the evening they sang their hits Do
You Realize??", "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, Pt. 1", "The
Yeah Yeah Yeah Song" while showering the audience with beach balls
and confetti. They gave their fans what most bands had forgotten…they
let the fans have fun. They technically are not the best band, Wayne’s
vocals are a little shaky at times and notes may be missed, but what
they lack in expertise they make up for in pure enjoyment. Hand puppets
acted out lyrics, an array of characters in furry suits pranced around
the stage, at one point there were about 20 Santa Clauses on the stage.
The crowd was having the time of their life,
laughing, singing along and hitting about 100 beach balls up in the air.
It was as if they had spayed the whole crowd with laughing gas. The
evening ended with the crowd singing along to Bohemian Rhapsody at the
top of their lungs. The video behind the stage displayed the words and
we followed the bouncing ball as confetti shot at us from all
directions.
They had made us part of the show and brought fun and playfulness back to concert going. I hope other bands take notice of what they are doing and stop the seriousness and bring entertainment and showmanship back to the live concert.
Posted by Jim on Monday, May 05, 2008 @ 9:44 AM
Farmer Red
I love my neighborhood. I live two miles from downtown Atlanta in a 1920’s bungalow in a section of town called Ormewood Park. Huge trees dwarf the bungalows and Victorian homes, children play out in the street and almost every house has a front porch with a swing. You can have your morning coffee and read a newspaper on the front swing while listening to the birds and watching your neighbors stroll by. You would never know you were so close to downtown until you crested one of the hilly streets and caught a glimpse of the glass and steel buildings that make up the downtown landscape.
Almost everyone has a garden and for those without the time, space or a green thumb there is a local farmers market. All the produce is locally and organically grown and there are fresh breads and artisan cheeses sold there as well. One of the farmers who sells his vegetables at the market is my neighbor Red. He cut off his signature red braids a few years ago, but I can still notice him from 100 yards away by his overalls and big smile. Red is one of the kindest souls you will ever meet, I’ve never heard him say an unkind word about anyone and he is always there to help a friend in need.
When the word got out that Red needed help to fund his communal garden his friends decided to throw a benefit for UFO or Urban Farm Ormewood. The benefit was held yesterday at Red’s farm which is eight acres of rolling farmland edged by a stream right in the heart of Ormewood Park.
The land has had many incarnations. It was a camp for the Yankee soldiers during the Civil War; it was the site of a turn of the century amusement park and a baptismal site for the Methodist church. Red has managed to keep the space intact as new homes are added to the border every year. The land seems grateful and spits out gifts of old toys, soda bottles and Civil War belt buckles.
The farm is in back of Red’s house and a path was cut though the tall grass and lined with torches leading the way to the garden. The neighbors brought food, beer and wine and Red cooked pots full of greens and the cheese maker grilled homemade Italian sausages. Several bands played as neighbors ate and caught up with each other. Artwork, jewelry and tequila shots were auctioned off and everyone added to the donation jar.
The night was a success and hopefully it will allow Red to stave off the developers for another year and keep the largest private farm/green space in Ormewood Park.
Posted by Jim on Sunday, May 04, 2008 @ 9:31 PM
The Genographic Project
Mother's Day is around the corner and if your mother is anything like mine, she already has everything she wants and always says "you don't need to get me anything". Trust me, don't ever take her up on that, she is lying. I've found the perfect gift for the woman who has everything. It's from the National Geographic Society and it's called The Genographic Project.
The Genographic Project tracks the migratory paths of humans using DNA from the participants. They sent you a kit and you swab the inside of your mouth and send the sample back and it is analyzed and the results are sent back in a few weeks. It's not a genealogy study and it doesn't give you genetic background by ethnicity, race, or geographic origin. In a female the mitochondrial DNA is tested to identify the ancestral migratory origins of your direct maternal line. Mutations in the DNA sequence occur and they are used as genetic markers by geneticists to trace our evolutionary timeline.
My mom is of Scandinavian descent and her results came back identifying her as haplogroup U5a1a. Below is an excerpt from her results.
U5a1a
The mitochondrial super-haplogroup U encompasses haplogroups U1-U7 and haplogroup K. Haplogroup U5, with its own multiple lineages nested within, is the oldest European-specific haplogroup, and its origin dates to approximately 50,000 years ago. Most likely arising in the Near East, and spreading into Europe in a very early expansion, the presence of haplogroup U5 in Europe pre-dates the expansion of agriculture in Europe. Haplogroup U5a1a-a lineage within haplogroup U5-arose in Europe less than 20,000 years ago, and is mainly found in northwest and north-central Europe. The modern distribution of haplogroup U5a1a suggests that individuals bearing this haplogroup were part of the populations that had tracked the retreat of ice sheets from Europe.
So my mom found out that her ancestors were the first to populate Europe. Shouldn't they get squatters rights and I should inherit a nice chunk of northern Europe, right? She did get a nice map of her family's migratory path out of Africa as well as the migratory paths for the entire project. She also received a DVD and a booklet explaining the project and the results. She is also on a mailing list that sends her the name and email address of people who signed a release and are a mitochondrial DNA match. So far she has 374 low resolution (HVR1) matches and no high resolution (HRV1 + HRV2) matches.
The kit only cost $100 and the proceeds are used to fund the project in less affluent areas of the world. You can also get a kit for your father since Father's Day is only a month away.
Posted by Jim on Thursday, May 01, 2008 @ 9:57 PM
Top Comedies
Maxim is one of my favorite magazines. They recently had an article called “The 300 Movies You Must See Before You Die”. Below is the list of the comedies that made the cut:
Monty Python and the Holy Grail 1975
The Big Lebowski 1998
Kingpin 1996
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy 2004
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan 2006
This Is Spinal Tap 1984
Airplane! 1980
Animal House 1978
American Pie 1999
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery 1997
Bachelor Party 1984
Bananas 1971
Beverly Hills Cop 1984
Blazing Saddles 1974
Caddyshack 1980
The Cannonball Run 1981
Clerks 1994
Dazed and Confused 1993
Duck Soup 1933
Dumb & Dumber 1994
Election 1999
The 40-Year-Old Virgin 2005
Ghostbusters 1984
Groundhog Day 1993
Happy Gilmore 1996
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle 2004
It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World 1963
The Jerk 1979
Modern Times 1936
The Nutty Professor 1963
Office Space 1999
Old School 2003
The Pink Panther Strikes Again 1976
The Princess Bride 1987
Raising Arizona 1987
Sixteen Candles 1984
Some Like It Hot 1959
Trading Places 1983
Vacation 1983
Wedding Crashers 2005
Wet Hot American Summer 2001
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory 1971
Young Frankenstein 1974
I agree with most of the films on the list, but how could they ignore these classics?
Napoleon Dynamite
There’s Something About Mary
Harold and Maude
Born Yesterday
Annie Hall
Fargo
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
The Seven Year Itch
There isn’t a day that goes by when one of my friends does say one of these memorable lines from Napoleon Dynamite.
Do the chickens have large talons?
But my lips hurt real bad!
Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys?
I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.
A liger. It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic.
Gosh!
Lucky!
Cameron Diaz, Ben Stiller and Matt Dillon in There’s Something About Mary... the hair gel scene, franks and beans, the dog and the old lady scene that made me scream out loud in the theater.
Harold and Maude with Ruth Gordon. How could they have missed this one?
Born Yesterday, a classic comedy with Judy Holliday who was one of the best comedic actresses of her time.
Annie Hall- What can I say, this film has Woody Allen and Diane Keaton at their finest. I love the driving scene with Christopher Walken.
Fargo- Do you want the clear coat? You betcha!
Fast Times at Ridgemont High- Sean Penn should have won an Oscar as Spicoli.
The Seven Year Itch- Marilyn Monroe, the fifties and New York City in the summer. When it gets hot like this, you know what I do? I keep my undies in the icebox!
Come on Maxim add these gems to the list!
Posted by Jim on Tuesday, April 29, 2008 @ 9:55 PM
Church of the PO
I usually pay all of my bills online, but occasionally I have to use snail mail to pay the odd company that hasn’t set up automatic payments, send my mom a card, or do anything related to the great state of Georgia. I had a few envelopes to send out this month and I searched my desk for three stamps. I pulled out the book of stamps and as fate would have it there were only two left. I searched the desk again in vain and knew I would have to take the dreaded trip to the post office for one, single, solitary stamp.
The post office is only a mile from my house and they have a stamp machine in the lobby, so I thought this excursion should take 15 minutes tops. Wrong! My first clue was driving up to the place and seeing that there weren’t any parking spaces open. Then it hit me, this was a Saturday the worst day of the week to attempt to go to the post office. I remembered I only had to go to the lobby, put my money in the machine, grab my stamps and get out of there. I strode into the lobby smugly and looked around, the stamp machine was gone! I felt like giving a William Shatner School of bad acting scream, which is falling to your knees while looking up at the gods screaming “no” with upraised clenched fists. I did this in my mind instead, but everyone in line could sense my internal dialog and gestured for me to get in line.
The line was about 15 people deep and moving at a snails pace. We were packed into a room with a line on the floor that couldn’t be crossed until you were summoned. A few people tried to cross before their time and were told to step back in the holding pen for a few additional seconds for their penance. Someone needed to pick up a package and their identification was scrutinized as closely as if they were trying to enter another country.
It seemed that they had chosen the people to work behind the counter based on their ability to work at a surreally slow pace. It was like an art form, there were no sudden or jerking motions, every thing was performed in a serene steady manner. Stamps were thoughtfully placed on the packages and smoothed down in nice even strokes; envelopes were carefully walked one at a time and placed in a basket. It was like watching Tai chi in the park.
Then it hit me, this was the closest I had come to a religious ceremony in years. It was if I was transported back to the Catholic mass of my youth. The humbling of standing in line made me realize I was no better than anyone else. The line on the floor taught me respect and compliance and the procession of the people behind the counter taught me patience. I had come in for a book of stamps and left with so much more.
Posted by Jim on Tuesday, April 29, 2008 @ 9:30 PM
Gluttonous Weekend
My friend Jon came down from DC for a weekend visit. Atlanta is great in the Spring, especially after the pollen has cleared, the weather is warm and the mosquitoes are just a twinkle in their daddy's eye.
I picked him up at the airport on Friday night and we went to Nickemotos for a belly full of sushi before heading to the Star Bar for a night of rockabilly. The Star Bar is in the Little Five Points section of town and used to be a bank before transforming into one of the best rockabilly clubs in the country. The bank vault has been turned into a shrine to Elvis Presley and the bartenders dole out Pabst Blue Ribbon beers where the tellers used to stand.
There was a $10 cover charge for a full night of music. We missed the first band called the Rusty Rebels, but caught the second band Atomic Boogie. These guys were great, a three piece band that consisted of a guitarist who was the lead singer, a drummer and a guy on the stand up bass who stole the show. They got the whole room rocking and the bass player was lying down on the stage still playing by the end of the set. The headliner was Rosie Flores who mixes rockabilly and punk. She does a great version of the Sex Pistols Pretty Vacant. There were some pretty amazing swing dancers in the club, but by the end of the night everyone was out on the dance floor.
The next day we were off to the Inman Park Festival. Inman Park is an intown neighborhood and they have a yearly festival with local artists, musicians, a parade and some of the best food in town. We sampled a few margaritas, some Mexican food and some tasty BBQ ribs while checking out some cool woodwork and metal artists. There was a really cool guy who made knives out of exotic materials. One of the sheaths was made out of stingray skin, another had a handle made out of wooly mammoth tusk and he even did some stuff with chicken feet. Very detailed, intricate work.
Saturday night we went to East Atlanta and had even more food and drinks. We had a dozen raw oysters, some steamed mussels and fried green tomatoes at the Glenwood and fried pickles at the Graveyard. We stopped by The Earl and even went to Mary's for drunken karaoke.
The next day we went to Ria's Bluebird for breakfast. It's little dinner that overlooks Oakland Cemetery and we ordered more food than we could possibly eat. If you ever stop by be sure to get the short stack of pancakes with caramelized bananas….yum! We drove past Cyclorama on the way back to my place and decided to stop in. They have a huge mural which is over 40 feet high that depicts the Battle of Atlanta during the Civil War. The room rotates and the battle is narrated while you view all 360 degrees of the painting.
I finally dropped Jon of at the airport on Sunday afternoon. I'm sure we were at least 10 lbs. heavier than when we started on Friday night. That's what Atlanta is all about, good food, music and friends and hopefully all three at the same time.
Posted by Jim on Sunday, April 27, 2008 @ 8:25 PM
Skank of Love
I was channel surfing the other night and turned on VH1 hoping to watch some music videos. I don't know what I was thinking because I can't tell you the last time I saw an actual music video on either MTV or VH1. Instead they had a reality show on called "Rock of Love" with Bret Michaels of Poison. Reality shows always have some sort of prize to offer the winner, but the best I could tell was the prize was Bret Michaels and several girls were vying for his affections. Ooooh, one of these skanks could win the heart of a washed up hair band singer who has committed the cardinal hair band sin and lost most of his hair? He has an array of bandanas and cowboy hats that he wears in various combinations, but who is he trying to fool? No guy covers his head 24/7 unless he is balding and trying to hide it.
There were a variety of women on the show, but stripper seemed to be the most common occupation amongst the group. It was very convenient that they had a stripper pole and an unending supply of liquor in the house. On the first night one girl got so trashed that she couldn't even make it to the elimination ceremony. I bet her parents were proud when they saw her puking on national TV. There was a stripper from France who had augmented every part of her body except for her brain and another one from the Ukraine that could possibly have been a male. Another girl was married and had restraining orders on her last two husbands and there were a couple of women who seemed to be about my mom's age.
By the second show half of the girls were in love with Bret and fighting amongst each other for his affections. There were stupid completions to win a date with Bret. Football in a muddy field, which I have to say wasn't too bad to watch, catching a greased pig, ATV racing, rodeo riding and roller derby racing with a doll? What was that all about?
One by one the skanks are eliminated by either getting a backstage pass or not. We get to meet their past boyfriends who seemed to be on the show to promote their lame bands and finally their parents are brought on. Now everyone in your hometown knows your daughter works the pole. That's OK; it looks like mom may be familiar with the pole as well. That's nice; they are keeping the family tradition.
Finally we are down to the last few contestants and they are off to Mexico for a romantic weekend. Gee, I wonder if anyone can tell if they comped the room in exchange for free advertising? Maybe they can show the hotel logo one more time? The last two girls fight with each other and sleep with Bret. Now he has to choose his skank of love…who will it be? Daisy another highly augmented stripper with grouper-like lips or Amber the 40 something talk show host with skunk striped hair.
Do you think I'm going to tell? I had to suffer through this miserable show and if you want to find out who won, then you are going to have to do the same.
Posted by Jim on Thursday, April 24, 2008 @ 1:48 PM